Great Scott!

I'm directing what now?

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter and the rest of the internet reported this past Wednesday that director Ridley Scott has officially signed on the dotted line to helm a big screen adaptation of the board game Monopoly.

Surprise!

Yes. That Monopoly. The beloved director of Black Rain and White Squall has signed on to direct a feature film, something that typically runs anywhere from 90 minutes to three hours, about Monopoly. The same game that caused you to engage in your first adult fist fight with a close family member. The same game that is currently being played around the country by millions of greasy McDonald's patrons. At this point it's worth mentioning that this is the story that inspired me to create this blog. It is the straw that broke this blogger's back (which is very weak to begin with, mind you). What's worse is that Scott's intention is to create the alleged "film" "with an eye toward giving it a futuristic sheen along the lines of his iconic Blade Runner."

Oh, now I get it.

Where to begin? First of all, Monopoly has enough damn versions already. We don't need yet another one set in the future.

Exhibit A. This is real.

Secondly, there is no way any auteur, even one as seasoned as Scott, will be able to do the original game justice. At the very least, he would need to go the route of Steven Soderbergh's recently released Che, which in some remote areas of the world like New York and probably other places is being shown in its complete four hour running time. Monopoly: The Movie (not to be confused with its eventual tie-in, Monopoly: The Movie: The Game) must be a bare minimum of four hours to even begin to compete with the unfathomable tedium of classic Monopoly. It must also allow for no intermissions. And should you leave the theater at any point during the film, upon your return, all of the main characters should have switched positions of power in the plot. Also, money should be inexplicably missing from your wallet.


Mentioned in many of the same articles that featured the Scott news are the OTHER board games in the running for Worst Film of Next Year. Now I could go after Universal for their development of a "Battleship" movie, as well as Michael Bay and his abortion factory (an interesting paradox when you think about it) Platinum Dunes' ill-fated attempt at launching a "Ouija Board" flick, but then I wouldn't have material for my next blog post. Oh wait. Yes I would.