Aw Hell Naw! Part II

What? I didn't even write anything yet! Geeze...

Will Smith is a busy man. When not punching aliens, Charlize Theron (in Hancock, people...take it easy), or Academy voters' heartstrings, he's remaking a hodgepodge of properties from odd corners of our memories. Oft-forgotten western from the 60's? Check.

I gather that the individual who designed these
posters has a very limited imagination.

Finding Nemo? Check.

"Yo yo yo, this Fresh Prince only swims in fresh water, dig?"
- Actual dialogue from A Shark's Tale...I assume.

An adaptation that's already been made two times before? Check.

A heartwarming tale about one man's love for the game and
OH MY GOD ZOMBIES, RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

There's also that freshly announced Karate Kid regurgitation coming our way, of course. But let's add one more to the mix: Oldboy.

Noooooooo!

For the unitiated, Oldboy is a brilliant, visually arresting and severely twisted Korean revenge tale from director Park Chanwook that was released a scant three years ago. Three years is like an eternity and a half in Hollywood years, so obviously it's high time for a remake. Add to that the fact that the film is foreign with subtitles and Oldboy (were it to grow functional arms and hands) essentially rang its own death knell before it was even released. Because as we all know, Americans can't possibly comprehend both moving images and written words at the same time (why do you think silent films alternated between scenes and title cards?).

Your appearance according to Hollywood executives.

Oldboy revolves around an average Joe (or Kim, I suppose) who is kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years without explanation. Upon his release (also sans explanation), he embarks on a vengeance-fueled quest to discover those responsible for his imprisonment. Along the way he eats a live octopus (for real), murders some people with a hammer and gets entangled in a series of seriously f'ed up, irrevocable scenarios that I'd be an ass to spoil here. Clearly the sorts of situations Will Smith, one of the most likable leads in Hollywood, is cut out for.

Extreme!

But the sordid tale of an Oldboy remake isn't entirely new. Some months ago, before Will Smith's enormous ears entered the picture, there was talk and actual movement towards director Justin Lin developing a remake. Because when I think stunning visuals and bone-chilling subject matter, I think The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

"You really get my engine revving, baby."
- Actual dialogue from Tokyo Drift...I assume.

Fortunately, Lin's involvement seems to have gone the way of Dido, and in his place is someone with a little more experience. Someone with a proven track record in sick and twisted entertainment. That's right...Steven Spielberg. Wait, what?

"See? I can be dark."

As the story goes, Will Smith and Steven Spielberg have wanted to collaborate on something for quite some time. Unfortunately, scheduling conflicts meant that collaboration couldn't happen on Willenium, though I understand Spielberg had a killer track at the ready. Years go by and the best they can come up with is the remaking of a film that already falls into the "instant classic" category? Really? Smith and Spielberg are talented guys, don't get me wrong, but how in Steven's name are they supposed to add anything new, let alone improve upon an already incredible film. Clearly they have an ace up their collective sleeve...his name is Mark Protosevich. And he is legend.

"Everybody's got a price!"

Protosevich was the writer for Smith's I Am Legend, so he knows a thing or two about adapting/remaking properties into half of a good movie. Either Smith enjoys bending to Protosevich's will or Protosevich enjoys bending to Smith, Will. Either way, they clearly can't get enough of one another. An Americanized version of Oldboy, considering ALL involved, will be nothing but a watered down non-event. Pointless, in the end, when the original has multiple special edition DVDs just waiting to be watched by all. But I just can't seem to shake why anyone involved thinks this is a good idea. What's the common thread? Who has the pull and the proximity to initiate such a diabolical scheme? Wait a second...



I knew it! Damn you Shia!
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By the way, for those interested in genuine journalism regarding remakes, check out CHUD.com's most recent article about the wholly unnecessary remake of Straw Dogs, located here.