Aw Hell Naw! Part I

So originally I had set my sights on tackling an epic Big Willie post, but I got so wrapped up in one story that the second one will have to wait. You'll be glad I devoted an entire post to just one. I promise.

Will readies the subject matter for today's post.

A couple days ago, it was announced that Will Smith would be producing a new Karate Kid film. That's fine. We don't have enough Karate Kid films, what with the first Karate Kid, Karate Kid Part II, Karate Kid Part III and The Next Karate Kid. The brilliance of that last one is its possibilities are infinite. No matter when you watch the film, you're always going to be witnessing the birth of the next Karate Kid, separate and apart from even the last time you watched the movie. Sure it always turns out to be Hillary Swank, but you have to admit you get a tingle down your spine thinking that maybe things will unfold differently right before your most recent viewing. Unless the Fresh Prince goes the horrendous route of naming this new "film" simply Karate Kid, as if the original never existed (a practice I find insulting to the creators of a title as clever as Karate Kid...what child wouldn't want to see something named that?), there aren't a lot of worthwhile follow-up names to be had.

...

Never mind. I've got one.

You're welcome, Mr. Smith.

As if the very idea of another Karate Kid film weren't offensive enough, it's being set in Beijing, China, otherwise known as NOT the birthplace of karate. That'd be Japan. I look forward to many a wax-on, wax-off metaphor as they relate to Communism.

No mercy!

Let's recap for a moment. So we have a movie we don't want set in a country where it doesn't belong. All we need now is some masturbatory casting on Will Smith's part and we're good to go.

He can't even master gravity. How's he supposed to pull off a crane kick?

That's right, Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, who co-starred with his father in his conception and The Pursuit of Happyness, will attempt to fill the rather enormous shoes (so I've heard) of the late (no, he's not dead), great (he was in My Cousin Vinny, too) Ralph Macchio. No small task, to be sure. Likely because Jaden is 10 and Macchio starred in Karate Kid when he was MORE THAN DOUBLE Jaden's age. A hefty 22, to be exact. When I go to the movies, I want to see movie magic on that silver screen. I want to believe a 22 year-old can be referred to as a "kid." I don't go to a movie with "Kid" in the title and expect it to star an actual kid! What is this, a frickin' documentary?!

Does Jada know?

You know why else Jaden's age bothers me? The first three Karate Kid films featured some fine (of age) ladies accompanying Daniel Larusso along his repeated journey to become a Karate Man. And Hillary Swank in The Next Karate Kid can be easy on the eyes as well. Any new love interest would have to be of a similar age to Jaden's (unless they're going a reverse Lolita route or something...unlikely), thus robbing the movie-going public of a new Megan Fox. I've created a flow chart to further prove my point.

Click for a more detailed view...pervert.

Then there are the villains. We got some fairly bad ass mo'fos from the first three Karate Kid films. Even The Next Karate Kid surprises with an appearance by Sam Fisher himself. But no adult would possibly want to beat up on Will Smth's offspring. That'd be career suicide. So they'll have to cast younger. I think another flow chart will help you yet again realize the errors in Will Smith's ways of producing this debacle.


By now you've noticed a rather glaring omission from my elegantly eloquent posturing: Mr. Miyagi. Prior to The Karate Kid, Pat Morita was best known as a comic actor, primarily for his work on Happy Days. The role of Miyagi offered him a chance to express his range as an artist while also allowing him to anchor the film as the sensei with a hard candy shell but soft, delicious insides. A Karate Kid could not exist without Mr. Miyagi's training and wisdom. The only reason The Next Karate Kid worked WITHOUT Ralph Macchio was because Hillary Swank had a short, stern Japanese man named Miyagi ordering her around. With any luck, Karate Kid After Next™ will go with the most obvious choice to fill the role.

"Get it? My name is ironic."

Or Will Smith could always shake things up a bit and star in it himself in yellowface.

More entertaining than Cedric.

At least that much of a train wreck would warrant me purchasing a ticket.

Avenge me!