C.H.U.D. Stud

We interrupt your regularly scheduled, alternating-day postings to bring you this message from the sardonic minds at C.H.U.D. (Cinematic Happenings Under Development) and their 45th List of Dumb column, wherein three of this author's photos were included. All three are accompanied by a "Photo by Brian G." seal of quality. Enjoy!

Aw Hell Naw! Part II

What? I didn't even write anything yet! Geeze...

Will Smith is a busy man. When not punching aliens, Charlize Theron (in Hancock, people...take it easy), or Academy voters' heartstrings, he's remaking a hodgepodge of properties from odd corners of our memories. Oft-forgotten western from the 60's? Check.

I gather that the individual who designed these
posters has a very limited imagination.

Finding Nemo? Check.

"Yo yo yo, this Fresh Prince only swims in fresh water, dig?"
- Actual dialogue from A Shark's Tale...I assume.

An adaptation that's already been made two times before? Check.

A heartwarming tale about one man's love for the game and
OH MY GOD ZOMBIES, RUN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!

There's also that freshly announced Karate Kid regurgitation coming our way, of course. But let's add one more to the mix: Oldboy.

Noooooooo!

For the unitiated, Oldboy is a brilliant, visually arresting and severely twisted Korean revenge tale from director Park Chanwook that was released a scant three years ago. Three years is like an eternity and a half in Hollywood years, so obviously it's high time for a remake. Add to that the fact that the film is foreign with subtitles and Oldboy (were it to grow functional arms and hands) essentially rang its own death knell before it was even released. Because as we all know, Americans can't possibly comprehend both moving images and written words at the same time (why do you think silent films alternated between scenes and title cards?).

Your appearance according to Hollywood executives.

Oldboy revolves around an average Joe (or Kim, I suppose) who is kidnapped and imprisoned for 15 years without explanation. Upon his release (also sans explanation), he embarks on a vengeance-fueled quest to discover those responsible for his imprisonment. Along the way he eats a live octopus (for real), murders some people with a hammer and gets entangled in a series of seriously f'ed up, irrevocable scenarios that I'd be an ass to spoil here. Clearly the sorts of situations Will Smith, one of the most likable leads in Hollywood, is cut out for.

Extreme!

But the sordid tale of an Oldboy remake isn't entirely new. Some months ago, before Will Smith's enormous ears entered the picture, there was talk and actual movement towards director Justin Lin developing a remake. Because when I think stunning visuals and bone-chilling subject matter, I think The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift.

"You really get my engine revving, baby."
- Actual dialogue from Tokyo Drift...I assume.

Fortunately, Lin's involvement seems to have gone the way of Dido, and in his place is someone with a little more experience. Someone with a proven track record in sick and twisted entertainment. That's right...Steven Spielberg. Wait, what?

"See? I can be dark."

As the story goes, Will Smith and Steven Spielberg have wanted to collaborate on something for quite some time. Unfortunately, scheduling conflicts meant that collaboration couldn't happen on Willenium, though I understand Spielberg had a killer track at the ready. Years go by and the best they can come up with is the remaking of a film that already falls into the "instant classic" category? Really? Smith and Spielberg are talented guys, don't get me wrong, but how in Steven's name are they supposed to add anything new, let alone improve upon an already incredible film. Clearly they have an ace up their collective sleeve...his name is Mark Protosevich. And he is legend.

"Everybody's got a price!"

Protosevich was the writer for Smith's I Am Legend, so he knows a thing or two about adapting/remaking properties into half of a good movie. Either Smith enjoys bending to Protosevich's will or Protosevich enjoys bending to Smith, Will. Either way, they clearly can't get enough of one another. An Americanized version of Oldboy, considering ALL involved, will be nothing but a watered down non-event. Pointless, in the end, when the original has multiple special edition DVDs just waiting to be watched by all. But I just can't seem to shake why anyone involved thinks this is a good idea. What's the common thread? Who has the pull and the proximity to initiate such a diabolical scheme? Wait a second...



I knew it! Damn you Shia!
-----------------------------------
By the way, for those interested in genuine journalism regarding remakes, check out CHUD.com's most recent article about the wholly unnecessary remake of Straw Dogs, located here.

Aw Hell Naw! Part I

So originally I had set my sights on tackling an epic Big Willie post, but I got so wrapped up in one story that the second one will have to wait. You'll be glad I devoted an entire post to just one. I promise.

Will readies the subject matter for today's post.

A couple days ago, it was announced that Will Smith would be producing a new Karate Kid film. That's fine. We don't have enough Karate Kid films, what with the first Karate Kid, Karate Kid Part II, Karate Kid Part III and The Next Karate Kid. The brilliance of that last one is its possibilities are infinite. No matter when you watch the film, you're always going to be witnessing the birth of the next Karate Kid, separate and apart from even the last time you watched the movie. Sure it always turns out to be Hillary Swank, but you have to admit you get a tingle down your spine thinking that maybe things will unfold differently right before your most recent viewing. Unless the Fresh Prince goes the horrendous route of naming this new "film" simply Karate Kid, as if the original never existed (a practice I find insulting to the creators of a title as clever as Karate Kid...what child wouldn't want to see something named that?), there aren't a lot of worthwhile follow-up names to be had.

...

Never mind. I've got one.

You're welcome, Mr. Smith.

As if the very idea of another Karate Kid film weren't offensive enough, it's being set in Beijing, China, otherwise known as NOT the birthplace of karate. That'd be Japan. I look forward to many a wax-on, wax-off metaphor as they relate to Communism.

No mercy!

Let's recap for a moment. So we have a movie we don't want set in a country where it doesn't belong. All we need now is some masturbatory casting on Will Smith's part and we're good to go.

He can't even master gravity. How's he supposed to pull off a crane kick?

That's right, Jaden Smith, son of Will Smith, who co-starred with his father in his conception and The Pursuit of Happyness, will attempt to fill the rather enormous shoes (so I've heard) of the late (no, he's not dead), great (he was in My Cousin Vinny, too) Ralph Macchio. No small task, to be sure. Likely because Jaden is 10 and Macchio starred in Karate Kid when he was MORE THAN DOUBLE Jaden's age. A hefty 22, to be exact. When I go to the movies, I want to see movie magic on that silver screen. I want to believe a 22 year-old can be referred to as a "kid." I don't go to a movie with "Kid" in the title and expect it to star an actual kid! What is this, a frickin' documentary?!

Does Jada know?

You know why else Jaden's age bothers me? The first three Karate Kid films featured some fine (of age) ladies accompanying Daniel Larusso along his repeated journey to become a Karate Man. And Hillary Swank in The Next Karate Kid can be easy on the eyes as well. Any new love interest would have to be of a similar age to Jaden's (unless they're going a reverse Lolita route or something...unlikely), thus robbing the movie-going public of a new Megan Fox. I've created a flow chart to further prove my point.

Click for a more detailed view...pervert.

Then there are the villains. We got some fairly bad ass mo'fos from the first three Karate Kid films. Even The Next Karate Kid surprises with an appearance by Sam Fisher himself. But no adult would possibly want to beat up on Will Smth's offspring. That'd be career suicide. So they'll have to cast younger. I think another flow chart will help you yet again realize the errors in Will Smith's ways of producing this debacle.


By now you've noticed a rather glaring omission from my elegantly eloquent posturing: Mr. Miyagi. Prior to The Karate Kid, Pat Morita was best known as a comic actor, primarily for his work on Happy Days. The role of Miyagi offered him a chance to express his range as an artist while also allowing him to anchor the film as the sensei with a hard candy shell but soft, delicious insides. A Karate Kid could not exist without Mr. Miyagi's training and wisdom. The only reason The Next Karate Kid worked WITHOUT Ralph Macchio was because Hillary Swank had a short, stern Japanese man named Miyagi ordering her around. With any luck, Karate Kid After Next™ will go with the most obvious choice to fill the role.

"Get it? My name is ironic."

Or Will Smith could always shake things up a bit and star in it himself in yellowface.

More entertaining than Cedric.

At least that much of a train wreck would warrant me purchasing a ticket.

Avenge me!

Great Scott!

I'm directing what now?

Variety, The Hollywood Reporter and the rest of the internet reported this past Wednesday that director Ridley Scott has officially signed on the dotted line to helm a big screen adaptation of the board game Monopoly.

Surprise!

Yes. That Monopoly. The beloved director of Black Rain and White Squall has signed on to direct a feature film, something that typically runs anywhere from 90 minutes to three hours, about Monopoly. The same game that caused you to engage in your first adult fist fight with a close family member. The same game that is currently being played around the country by millions of greasy McDonald's patrons. At this point it's worth mentioning that this is the story that inspired me to create this blog. It is the straw that broke this blogger's back (which is very weak to begin with, mind you). What's worse is that Scott's intention is to create the alleged "film" "with an eye toward giving it a futuristic sheen along the lines of his iconic Blade Runner."

Oh, now I get it.

Where to begin? First of all, Monopoly has enough damn versions already. We don't need yet another one set in the future.

Exhibit A. This is real.

Secondly, there is no way any auteur, even one as seasoned as Scott, will be able to do the original game justice. At the very least, he would need to go the route of Steven Soderbergh's recently released Che, which in some remote areas of the world like New York and probably other places is being shown in its complete four hour running time. Monopoly: The Movie (not to be confused with its eventual tie-in, Monopoly: The Movie: The Game) must be a bare minimum of four hours to even begin to compete with the unfathomable tedium of classic Monopoly. It must also allow for no intermissions. And should you leave the theater at any point during the film, upon your return, all of the main characters should have switched positions of power in the plot. Also, money should be inexplicably missing from your wallet.


Mentioned in many of the same articles that featured the Scott news are the OTHER board games in the running for Worst Film of Next Year. Now I could go after Universal for their development of a "Battleship" movie, as well as Michael Bay and his abortion factory (an interesting paradox when you think about it) Platinum Dunes' ill-fated attempt at launching a "Ouija Board" flick, but then I wouldn't have material for my next blog post. Oh wait. Yes I would.